I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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