A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
