He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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