I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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