I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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