Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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