I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
