it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
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Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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