Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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