if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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