I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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