i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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