you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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