she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
