Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
