Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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