She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
