Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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