OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
