Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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