I should be sponsored by Trojan
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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