if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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