It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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