You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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