I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
