I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
