I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
