They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
