I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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