Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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