I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
