yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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