No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
