We named our party play list daddy issues
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
