I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
