Cold hands, warm shart.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
