She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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