Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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