I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
