He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
