my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
