I can text with my tongue
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
