Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
