just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
