I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
