Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
