my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
