just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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