I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
