Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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