My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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