Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
