And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
