Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
