Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
