Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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