i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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