I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
