he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
