my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
